Imagine a
wonderfully rare and beautiful plant growing in your garden. Started
from seed, and nurtured daily, the plant has gradually unfolded year
after year into a thing of beauty. Now imagine ripping it out of the
ground by the roots, plopping it into a pot of unprepared soil, and
demanding it to grow and flourish as it had before. This is what we, as
parents, expect from our children when we ask them to move without
adequate preparation or without acknowledgement of the difficulty for
the child. Changing schools, neighborhoods, cities, states, and
sometimes, even countries is much more traumatic than many parents
might realize. The shock value to a child's system is tremendous.
"Any parent who
thinks that moving won't affect a child is dead wrong," according to
Dr. Nathan M. Lubin, PhD, of New Orleans Louisiana, who has counseled
numerous children and their families on this often overlooked trauma.
"Parents need to be aware that this can be a serious problem for even
the most well-adjusted child in the most normal of family situations."
Moving creates
significant stress for parents. There's a home to sell and a new home
to buy or rent. Not to mention a change of job, packing, unpacking and
then learning your way around a new neighborhood. What parents
might not realize is that it is also an extremely stressful time for a
child.
Many times we brush
a child's concerns about moving aside. We say, "Kids are adaptable.
They'll make new friends." We take time to prepare ourselves for all
the inevitable changes - we find new banks, doctors, daycare providers
and even veterinarians. If we are moving to a new country, we might
even spend time learning a new language. We need to take the same
amount of time to help prepare our children for the transition.
"One of the worse
things you can do is not tell the child," states Lubin, who also sites
moving as one of the cornerstones for future psychological problems.
Moving
Means Breaking Friendships
Loneliness is not a
natural state for most children. During pre-adolescence children are
forming important social relationships. When those early relationships
are severed, the child can suffer a feeling of rejection and isolation.
Without the coping skills to deal with these emotions the child could
then, in turn, have difficulty forming new social relationships,
forming a hard-to-break cycle.
Moving
Means Change
Moving from a small
school in the country to a large school in a big city (or reverse)
means more than just a change of teachers and classrooms. There are
bound to be cultural, behavioral and many times, even language
differences for your child to assimilate. Dialects, wardrobe, even
music....no sphere of a child's world is left unaffected by a move so
why should we expect the child to be unaffected? Parents, by working
with their children before the move, can not only alleviate many future
problems before they take root, but can also help to reduce some of
their own personal anxiety about the many changes taking place within
the family.
Recognize
Your Child's Potential For Stress
All ages of
children will be affected to some degree by a family move. Age,
individual temperament of the child and circumstances of the move, will
have a lot to do with the way your child adapts. If your child is below
the age of one year, you can most likely expect a seamless transition.
Any child older than that will need to make adjustments of some kind.
Younger children may experience regression in certain areas. Sleep
patterns may be disrupted. Eating habits may go awry. Older children
may suffer personality changes from mild to the extreme. Be aware of
the warning signs that something is bothering your child such as
depression, withdrawal, irritability or sleeping more or less than
usual.
Listen
To Your Child's Fears
If your child is
vocalizing certain fears about the move, take time to listen. Don't
label any fear as foolish or irrational. Help your child find positive
things about the move such as a bigger bedroom or a nearby pool.
Encourage your child to talk about their concerns. In general, the
older a child is, the more difficult of a time they will have making
adjustments. The importance of the peer group and the loss of their own
place within the group increases the possibility for anxiety.
Expand
Your Child's Education
If you are moving
to a new state or country, use this as an opportunity to expand your
child's education. Subscribe to the local paper and read it with your
child. Take a trip to the library for books about your new home. Enlist
the help of travel bureaus for brochures and maps that your child can
study. If you are moving out of the country be sure to explore the
differences in wardrobe, music and food - three major concerns of most
children of any age.
Involve Your
Child In The Move
Make your child a
part of as much of the decision-making process as possible. Take them
with you to go look for a new home. Allow them to pick the colors of
their new bedroom, no matter what you might think. Make them
responsible for packing and unpacking their room.
Show
Your Child By Example
Preparing yourself
for the move will give you the strength and skills needed to pass on to
your child. Upon arrival at your new home, take your child with you
when you introduce yourself to your neighbors. By making the move a
family adventure rather than something to dread, the transitional
process can become a positive growth experience and increase your
child's self-confidence.
10 Tips for
Preparing Your Child to Move
1. If possible,
take
the child with you when looking for a new home. Take lots of pictures.
Make an album of the neighborhood.
2. Try to meet
their
new teacher. Or go by the new school and walk around the grounds.
Experience as much as of the new environment before the move.
3. Walk or drive
the
route your child can be expected to take back and forth from school.
Help your child prepare a map. Encourage your child to decorate the map
with their own landmarks.
4. If your child
will
be attending day care of any kind, the sooner they can meet the
provider, the easier that transition will be for them.
5. Try to meet
neighborhood children ahead of time and get pictures. Exchange
addresses so your child can write to them before the move. If you can't
find any of the children ahead of time, contact the school and ask the
teacher to arrange for a penpal who will be in your child's class.
6. If your child is
currently involved in a hobby like skating, drill team, dancing, music
lessons - get information about the availability of
those activities near your new home. Contact the leaders of these
groups to help link your child up with other child with the same
interests.
7. Get your child
an
address book and a disposable camera for your child. Make sure that
every address, no matter how silly you might think it, is written down.
They may never write to anyone listed, but knowing they can if they
want might make a difference. Havethem take lots of pictures the things
and people that are important to them.
8. Get some books
about moving for your child to read.
9. Have a box of
warm
fuzzies ready for your child during the move and upon arrival. Favorite
stuffed toys, blankets, pillow and snacks will all ease the pangs of
homesickness.
10. Have a
"Getting to Know You Party" for all the nearby children. It doesn't
have to be expensive, it just has to be done as soon as possible after
the move.
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